What day is it?
I realise that this is a question that is becoming less and less acceptable to be asking yourself after crawling out of bed at 2 pm, because everybody now seems to be getting their lives together. The Christmas tree is down, the selection boxes are almost completely finished and everybody is fresh-faced and rosy-cheeked, jogging through the streets, genuinely convincing themselves that they are enjoying being back at work because “it’s good to get back into a routine.” Yet here I am, watching my fourth movie of the day. And why not?
But this weird, post-festive limbo has to end somewhere. Even though we all admit that 2016 was a generally depressing and shocking year, we can’t wallow about it forever. It’s time for a fresh start, so bring on Brexit and Trump.
And as there is no better time to reinvent yourself than after New Year (or in the case of a St Andrews student who has spent the last month forgetting how to write essays – a month into it) I hereby present a complete guide on how to become the person you always wished University would turn you into.
Step 1: Mission a la Mode
It’s time for that radical new change of style you’ve always dreamed of. You can finally become hipster and cool. From now on you will drink your coffee black and wear stilettos. There has never been a better time to perfect dreadlocks or wear those colourful linen trousers. Fashion is an art and your body is the canvas. It’s finally time to start expressing your creativity and intelligence. Maybe you should start writing poetry too. You’ve always been a sensitive soul deep down.
Step 2: Society Stalker
You’ve always wanted to be the heavy-weight champion of the world. Why couldn’t you be the next Beyoncé? What’s stopping you from writing and directing your own plays? With a new semester comes the opportunity to finally be the productive and well rounded, interesting person you truly can be. It’s time to join some societies. And this time you have to actually go – not just awkwardly remain on the mailing list all year, avoiding politely requesting you be removed because, who knows, maybe one day you will actually attend.
This semester you will. Not only that, but you will be doing so as a productive, fit socialite. Have faith.
Step 3: Library Lovin’
The library is your new favourite place and studying is always fun. This term, you can get everything done well in advance and score solid 20’s. No more late-night cramming, not this semester. Your time at the library will now be spent studying hard and fixing the world. No more falling in love with the really hot person sitting across from you each day, perpetually suffering the heartbreak of the silent section.
Step 4: Sober and Orderly
Never again will a night be even moderately blurred to you. Eight messy bombs upon arrival at the Union, after having already spewed at pres, is no longer acceptable. Your body is a temple. No more Dervish. Bad decisions will therefore be avoided and life will become a bliss devoid of awkwardness and embarrassment. Instead, you shall politely sip wine and nibble on cheese whilst discussing foreign trade and all manner of important things. Better yet, you can stay home and perfect your newly acquired skills as obtained by Step 2. Perhaps prepare a vegan dinner and do some yoga. You ARE the picture of health.
But as fun as this all sounds, perhaps deep down maybe it’s just the disappointment of 2016 that’s left you longing for change. But let’s have hope that 2017 is going to be a productive year! Only a few days left until the dead streets of St Andrews fill up again.