UnderStand

My Raisin as a Parent

Editor’s note: this article was written across the entire day, and is brought to you with no editing, so there may be grammatical errors. 

8:00: My academic wife is knocking on the door so we can prepare for Raisin. I’ve been up for far too long. I can’t find my keys. We don’t have shot glasses, or enough alcohol. This is going well.  

9:00: We forced our academic kids to swallow condoms full of alcohol (and, in one case, milk, vodka and chocolate sauce) while blindfolded. Plenty of “swallow it” jokes. I feel morally and spiritually desperate. Went to Aldi for more booze, but apparently they can’t sell it until 10 am. This might be a long day.  

10:00: We’re at my wife’s house, now restocked with alcohol. At least one of my kids is drunker than she should be.  

11:00: Scavenger hunt. One of my kids has face-planted on the PH, one of them has licked a strangers ear, and the third one is running around telling everyone how much she loves life, St Andrews, and this family. She’s about four foot ten, so it’s adorable, but I’m also getting nasty flashbacks to when I used to babysit actual kids.    

12:00: Scavenger hunt continues. We’ve accidentally set off the Macintosh door alarm, staged a kung-fu battle on Sallies quad, and filmed climactic love scenes on Castle Sands. Two of my academic kids are having an argument about Lenin. I’ve taken to apologising to random strangers as we go past.  

13:00: Lunch break. I fucking needed this.  

14:00:  Some of the kids have passed out on the couch, and the rest are smoking downstairs. We’re now preparing a game of stairway to hell. Anyone know what beer, cinnamon and mayonaise taste like when mixed together.  

15:00: Playing stairway to hell. I am reasonably sure all of my kids hate me.  

16:00: Playing charades. “Srdja Popovic” has been a cue more often than I would have expected this time last year.  

17:00:  I a terrible person? I don’t think I’m a terrible person, but I just made my kids run into the sea in West Sands, and I sort of enjoyed it.  

Photo: Zoe Spirgel
18:00: Shower, shave, try not to think too hard about sleeping.  

19:00- One of my kids just chundered in the toilets in BlackHorn. To her credit, I used the toilet right after her and didn’t notice anything. Also, this might be the best burger I’ve ever eaten.  

20:00: House party. Just had my first alcoholic drink of the day. Damn I needed that.  

21:00: I may have drunk that too fast. Sitting on the floor chatting to one of my academic daughters and the girl hosting the party. Conversation surprisingly coherent.  

22:00: I don’t know what’s going on. Me, two of my daughters and a complete stranger are now going to try and  

23:00: Me, two of my daughters and a complete stranger just tried to crash a party on North Street. It didn’t work.  

00:00: This has been fun, Raisin is a really special time, and I’m so glad I get to be a part of it.  

00:30: Screw it, I’m going home.

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