After visiting death and chaos across much of Europe, the ferocious warlord Attila the Hun is reported to have mocked his victims by telling them:
“I am the scourge of God. If you had not committed great sins, God would not have sent a punishment like me upon you.”
After an opening like that, I think it’s pretty clear what the rest of this article is going to be about. The Scourge of God in North East Fife, just as Attila was among his contemporaries. Seagulls.
I mean, look at them. Those haughty, imperious eyes. Those cruel beaks, that harsh cawing as they dive-bomb passing students for their food, plundering with ruthless abandon. If they don’t represent the judgement of an angry deity, then what animal possibly could?
But it’s not just that. I’ve observed these animals- no! these avenging angels of death!- in their chosen hunting ground outside the Library. I’ve seen them steal food (amongst other things) from passing students at every given opportunity. Well, almost every given opportunity. Because one other thing I’ve noticed is that these winged devils, these feathery fiends never even attempt to steal from the charity bake sales that are often outside the library. Despite the fact these bake sales provide a much richer, and easier target than mobile students. This can be nothing other than unshakeable proof that these seagulls are not just scavenging animals, but agents of justice bent on punishing the guilty.
But, I hear you cry, punishing them for what? What have I done to deserve having my lunch stolen by Lucifer’s beaked cousins? The answer is simple. St Andrews is a den of iniquity and sin. I went into Ma Bells once. It was like Sodom, Gommorah and Niniveh all rolled into one. A town with one Fashion show that costs a month’s rent to attend has some pretty warped priorities. A town one with a whole slew of them, along with balls, formal events and a goddam Polo Tournament to boot is clearly pretty heavily under the domain of Satan.
Now, I’d like to say that this judgement only applies to a few people, but from the looks of things, our punishment is going to be of the Old Testament variety. Look at what’s happened this semester. Seagulls wreaking havoc. Strikes shattering the academic community. The land swallowed up by ice and snow. If that’s not a sign of the onset of a St Andrean end-times, then I don’t know what is.
So, look upon your works, St Andreans, and tremble. In biting into the apple of opulent elitism that was offered to us, we have doomed our souls to eternal perdition and dismay. It is too late to repent. It is too late to escape. We’ve already suffered the first three of our Ten Plauges, and those who are unaware of the wrath of the heavens will soon be forced to reckon with it, when we receive the other seven. Maybe our Pablos will turn to blood. Maybe swarms of locusts will clean out Dervish and Empire. Maybe the North Sea will fill with sharks during May Dip. All I know is our academic world will end not with a bang, not with a whimper, but with the crazed, cackling caw of a seagull.
No, I don’t know what the hell I just wrote either, it’s been a long semester.