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It’s Not a Phase Mom….I’m A Witch.

I, like many of us, have always loved wearing the color black. I don’t really know why and it’s not like I don’t appreciate what the other colors are, as the French say: “bringing to the tableau.” But I suppose it just looks best with my hair, eyes, and vibes. I also use phrases such as “curses” and “should we put a curse on their whole family?” as a common part of my everyday vernacular. I light candles. Sometimes I can make money disappear by spending it needlessly, even when I don’t realize it. One time I stared at someone for a really long time and they looked at me very worriedly and walked away. Spooky! Powerful! And cats are just drawn to me, a la flies to honey or housewives to botox. But it wasn’t until earlier this fall that all these things started to piece together to tell a very interesting story. Basically, to begin, a very close friend of mine told me that during a causal family reunion her Aunt dropped the truth bomb that she was a witch. Not kidding. Dead serious. As my friend was recounting this tale, I was like “Oh that’s an option? Then ya that’s defo me. Say no more.” So I am a witch now, guys (self-proclaimed). It makes sense. I know some people might be like: “Sophie, you have LOST IT.” or “You’re more of a Sorceress child.” And to that I say, “NO” and if you thought I was a Sorceress child were you even my friend in the first place? Fake. I know we can’t all be witches, (or maybe we can be because the rules are SUPER laissez-faire now I guess) but you can dress like one. And who doesn’t want to look like they cut a bitch with just one snap of their fingers on a daily basis?

Source: Public Domain Pictures

Since fall has officially fallen, and Hallowseve is upon us, the boots, coats, and hats can all come on out from those moth ridden closets. Witches are mostly known for wearing large, noir maxi-dresses. But sometimes that can be a little much for the day time, even the night time, unless there is like a ritual or something going on where it’s NECESSARY! Instead, swap this out for a cool faux-leather pant or classic black skinny jean. On top, a nice grey knit sweater or a nice black knit sweater. Simplicity is key. Since a lot of us our students, and we don’t have cars or broom-sticks or Vespa’s, sneakers often make the most sense. Or boots. If you’re going to wear boots with the jeans, make sure they are really skinny jeans and tuck them into the boots. For sneakers, you can give the jeans a little cuff and make them into more of a capri. I love a black coat to go on top of this, leather for night and wool for day. As a witch, make-up is also essential to perfecting this outfit. A pop of golden glitter in the eye is fun and flirty for the day, but you can elevate it at night with a swish of black eyeliner and some dusty black eye-shadow in the crease. An autumnal red, sort of rusty and matte, is perfect for the lips. You want to leave people ENCHANTED… “I’M ENCHANTING YOU WITH MY LIPSTICK”…”YOU’RE ENCHANTED TO MEET ME”… “I CAN READ YOUR MIND AND YOU DON’T KNOW IT.” That’s the kind of casual, effortlessly cool girl vibe you want to give off.

Halloween is right around this here corner… but guess what I am not gonna be for Halloween? A WITCH! Because I am not basic as hellllllll….even though that might be where I end up one day. Instead, I prefer to go with something actually scary. And in this tortured world, the options are limitless. You could be the Dow Jones falling significantly in the economic market. Ahhh scary. Just grab a white t-shirt and draw a zig-zag line in a diagonal pattern down the shirt. DONE. BOO! Or you could be global climate change. All you need for this costume is another white t-shirt, 45 Starbucks plastic straws, a Blu-Ray copy of “The Inconvenient Truth,” and a printed out lyric sheet of “It’s The End of The World as We Know It.” Now set all of that stuff on fire and wear it like a cape; people will get it! HAHAHAH… YIKES!

Even if you don’t feel like being a witch is “for you”, witches are confident. They walk into any room and say “Hey, I could turn everyone into frogs…so be nice to me.” (I assume this is true, I haven’t like met a lot of withes. Like I could count it on one hand.) And nothing is more important than feeling like you can own the place in every outfit. And you can’t buy self-belief at the store, so you gotta OWN IT in whatever outfit you choose. To conclude, black is the new black. Anyone can be a witch if they say: “I am a witch.” Salem rules don’t apply. The world’s a creepy place. BUT BLACK SKINNY JEANS LOOK GOOD ON EVERYONE! Bip-iddi-bobidi-bitch-bye!

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