Many of you will remember the great battle of 2018 between the pair of main library seagulls and roughly 8000 St Andrews students. Both sides fought a tremendously fight on the battlefield (within the 10 metre radius of the bike shed), with the result being the University of St. Andrew’s taking the bold and somewhat controversial step to ‘remove’ those two hated birds about 10 months ago. However, this war did not come without sorrow, and I would like to pay my respects to those who were personally victimised during that time. It is my hope that you will join me in listening to ‘In The Arms of the Angels’ while remembering the hard times, the heartache, and the harrowing experience we went through as a community.
While I am sure we all know people who were affected, I would like to draw your attention, and sympathy, towards my particular encounter with these monstrous beasts. Let me set the scene: it was mid-afternoon on a pleasant day in March. I had just stopped for a Subway sandwich, this time choosing to opt for turkey over my usual ham (a bigger decision than it may seem now*), and was returning to the Arts Building when it had started to rain. In light of this unfortunate turn in the weather I put my hood up, which was my first mistake. I was innocuously walking past the main library towards my destination, eating my sandwich – outside and all alone. My hood was obstructing much of my peripheral vision, so as if out of nowhere one of the two varmints plunged down towards me, aimed for my sandwich, but missed and in turn slapped me across my head with its wing. I would love to say I came out of this battle being the hero, but to tell you the truth in the sheer distress and frenzy of the situation I screamed, started to cry, threw my lunch at my attacker, ran into the library for cover, and phoned my mum- to whom I initially did not make it particularly clear that I was not mugged- my third, fourth, fifth, and sixth mistakes.
Fortunately, the past ten months of my life have been complete bliss, my ornithophobia persisting untriggered in the absence of these brutes. I have only just recently felt free enough to be able to once again eat outside.
Yet, there is a new fear in my life. This one dark in colour, lurking around every corner, seemingly fearless. Yes, the not so humble crow has begun to take over our town. This is something we should not underestimate. Please take this tale about our feathered foes as a warning. Take this time to prepare for war, call your loved ones, and stay safe out there.
If you are affected by the subject matter displayed within this article, Crow Control Fife are always here to help.
*If you would like more information on my subway sandwich choices, feel free to email at firstname.lastname@example.org.