Beware the Invisible Conservative

This announcement wishes to inform St Andrews students of a growing and worrying trend currently occurring in the town: the presence of the invisible conservatives. Although the following information may cause concern, please do not panic. Instead, read on and equip yourselves with the knowledge of how to spot such a specimen and how to deal with one if they are uncovered. 

What is an Invisible Conservative?

At first glance, there is nothing visually distinct about an invisible conservative. They often wear similar clothes to the public and conduct themselves in an orderly an inconspicuous way. This makes them fiendishly difficult to identify. However, do not be fooled by this appearance. Underneath a veneer of normality, the invisible conservative holds radical views including, but not limited to:

  • Unquestioning belief in free markets and limited government
  • Support for the military and nuclear defence capabilities
  • Support for Brexit and/or Trump (usually dependent on whether they are the British or American variety)

There are other beliefs that an invisible conservative may hold, many of which are too inflammatory to be included in this announcement. We do not recommend you study them yourselves. Research on various conservative viewpoints is a known form of contamination and is to be avoided at all costs. 

Photo: Flickr

How to Identify an Invisible Conservative 

Despite their attempts to assimilate visually into the student body, there are some reliable techniques to identify who is, and is not, a part of this movement.  

First, if an individual is not white, they are unlikely to be an invisible conservative. Melanin is a known source of socially acceptable views so, in the rare occurrence of meeting a non-white individual in St Andrews, it is safe to presume they are not a threat. Second, if an individual is a member of the LGBT community, they cannot be an invisible conservative. Sexuality is intrinsically linked to political ideology and the presence of same-sex attraction nulls any ability to stray from acceptable viewpoints. 

Contrary to common belief, women can be invisible conservatives. This is because they forget they are women and betray their own kind in favour of patriarchal and oppressive capitalist systems. White women are particularly susceptible and are the most dangerous, due to their inconvenient ability to vote.

If you have reason to believe that an individual is an invisible conservative, it is a good idea to make a broad, politically correct statement in a social setting. Try making disparaging remarks about Trump or Brexit voters or the universally welcomed, ‘I hate conservatives!’ If the individual responds with firm and vocal support, they have tested negative for conservatism. If however, they appear quiet and uncomfortable, they are most likely an invisible conservative. Symptoms of their condition will include awkward laughter, sweating and a strong desire to change the topic of conversation. 

Photo: Flickr

How to Deal with an Invisible Conservative

If someone tests positive for the above symptoms, avoid directly asking them about their political beliefs. This could risk exposure to toxic views or accelerate their condition into the one thing worse than an invisible conservatism: visible conservatism. Instead, assume that they are indeed an invisible conservative. 

There is no known cure for this condition, but there are certain precautions that limit the influence of invisible conservatives in society. It is recommended that you surround the suspect and poke them repeatedly with a large pointy stick (the more people doing this simultaneously, the better) while using strong language to demean their intelligence, compassion and overall judgement. This is humane treatment as, due to their lack of a soul, the invisible conservative is unable to feel pain. However, repeated poking should persuade them to flee society, cleansing the student body of their pernicious influence and dangerous views. 

If you feel that you are becoming an invisible conservative, it is important to take action as quickly as possible. Surround yourself with only your most liberal of friends or, better yet, take part in St Andrews’ own de-radicalisation course: An Introduction to Social Anthropology. 

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