The Black Horn Doors

Will discusses the harrowing challenges presented by the Black Horn doors .

As a staple for many St. Andrews students, Black Horn offers a variety of delicious burgers, hot dogs, and wraps for a decent (in terms of St. Andrews) price. However, woe to those who wish to enter such an establishment as they will be confronted by a metaphorical Gandalf, seemingly shouting at potential customers “You Shall Not Pass”. The Black Horn doors can most accurately be described as two doors that have somehow been crammed into a petite entryway to begin with. Each door operates independently of the other, resulting in anyone attempting to enter being forced to choose between two options.

Source: Pixabay


Opening just one door will require the person to suck in their gut, lather themselves in butter, get a running start and essentially tunnel their way through the mine-shaft-like space offered by the single (half) door. The other option, opening both doors that is, offers challenges of its own. Each door opens onto the street, only making the meat cleavers that have replaced a sensible knob or handle all the more complicated to operate. When attempting to open both Black Horn doors, you must grasp the unwieldy cooking implements and pull each in opposite directions. However, once the doors are finally opened, they prove deceptively long. One must stretch out their arms to unreasonable lengths in order to create enough space for entry, yet there is a final obstacle. Once in the crucifix position, those undeterred and still wishing to breach Back Horn’s threshold much simultaneously push the doors yet farther apart, and throw themselves into the opening. With any luck, only one of the doors will smack the back of your legs as you enter, and this is Black Horn’s final defense against customers too weak and unworthy to enter.

Source: Pixabay

The Black Horn doors have always been problematic, not only for normal customers, but especially for the Deliveroo riders, whose backpacks bear the brunt of every attempted entrance. It would seem the management recognized the problem their doors presented because during Black Horn’s renovations, a new door was put in place. Finally, normal people could go and enjoy Black Horn without the absolute fear that those doors instilled in so many.


Lo and behold, after construction ceased and the restaurant re-opened, it was discovered that there was in fact a new door. They replaced the two old and decrepit half doors with…newer half doors. Nothing has changed. The new doors are exactly the same as the old doors, save the fact that the doors’ physical weight dramatically increased. This has resulted in the call for updated research and development regarding new entry strategies. Unfortunately, these policies and tactics are currently only in the theoretical stages.

These newly re-enforced fortifications only bolster the power that those doors hold over all wishing to enter, and they have continued to repel even the most determined and starving customers with resounding success. It can be said, with a great degree of certainty, that the Black Horn doors are the inanimate incarnation of all that seek to destroy the minds, bodies, and spirit of the people.





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