If Arts Lecturers were Brexit Politicians

Ever wondered what Boris Johnson would be like as a lecturer? Dilhan Salgado D’Arcy explores the possibility.

The Boris

Their lectures are famous: bold words, emphatic statements and more gesticulating than the narrow streets of Naples. But despite the academic jargon and phrases that were once consigned to history, this lecturer’s arguments are often very difficult to understand. Moreover, many of their points seem to contradict each other with no explanation given, and some just go against the most basic of google searches. Despite their scruffy appearance, this lecturer is notoriously strict with deadlines. No matter how bad your essay is, do not ask for an extension.

The Jezza

Love them or hate them, this lecturer is consistent if nothing else. The cause of Brutus and Caesar’s rocky relationship? Capitalist oppression! The inspiration behind classical architecture? Neoliberal imperialism! Cathy’s undying love for Heathcliff? Well, you get the message. If your essay does not use this lecturer’s favourite theory, or even contradicts it, just scrap it and write a more suitable one. No matter how many complaints they get, their sheer conviction has rooted them to the ground and they don’t seem to be going anywhere. Just pretend you are a good worker and keep your head down. 

Photo: Flickr

The Rees-Mogg

Woe betide any work with typos in this lecturer’s class. Expect your essays handed back a bleeding red mess of underlined words, circled phrases and more semi-colons than you knew existed. Behind their softly spoken and gentile façade lies a grammar Nazi through and through, ready to cut your grades even faster and deeper than they want to cut taxes. Although they themselves often break the rules that they ardently insist their students follow, a neat binder and double-spaced Times New Roman font may cover up your deadly sins.

The Maybot

Their lectures make you wish it were raining just so that you would hear something slightly less dull. Their articles seem to argue everything and nothing all at once, coming to bland conclusions that extinguish any hope of making a meaningful point. They were probably appointed lecturer out of the university’s obligation, and you endure their modules for the very same reason. After what feels like an eternity of yawns and rolling eyes, the module finally ends, leaving everyone wondering if they have learned anything at all. The good news is, if they like you, you will probably get a good grade or even an academic honour thrown in when the whole ordeal is over.

Photo: Flickr

The Bercow

They don’t mind what your philosophy is. They don’t mind which way you choose to answer a question. Anything other than complete neutrality would be most unprofessional! It really is strange, then, how half of the class flourish under their class and the other half fail time and time again. It’s almost as if this lecturer has some sort of preference towards students they agree with. But don’t think of telling them that. You are just a mere footling after all.

The Gina Miller

She doesn’t even go here.

The Farage

Their lectures make it seem so clear and simple. However, once you start writing, it begins to appear a little more complicated than they made out. Some of the facts they told you so confidently suddenly look a little shaky. Some of the sources they quoted are unreliable if not downright offensive. Before you know it, you are in their office a day before a deadline, crying over a nonsensical mess of an essay, unable to take back control of your argument, structure or grades. This lecturer is a convenient person to blame if it all goes wrong but whether you wanted their module or not, it’s still you who fails the class.

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