Photo: Brandon Herrera

Mental Illness in St Andrews

Anonymous describes the reality of living with voices in one’s head.

TW: Self-harm


I am not religious, but for a brief period when I was around fifteen or sixteen, I was so certain that I’d spend entire nights wondering what hell was like. This certainty came from the fact that I, fairly frequently, thought I could hear His voice in my head.

Now, about five years later, I know the voices in my head are not the product of heaven but of depression, anxiety and paranoia, and I’m more likely to respond to them with exhausted frustration than religious dread. But in many ways they run my life as much as they did when I thought they had the power to send me to Hell.

This doesn’t mean I do everything the voices tell me, you understand. If I did that, then I’d be either in a jail or a graveyard rather than a room in St Andrews. But the desire not to listen to them seeps into more or less everything I do. If I study too intensely and relax too little, it’s because that gives me an excuse not to listen when the whispers start. If I take on too much extracurricular stuff, it’s because I can use all the exhausting projects these hobbies afford me to tire out the invasive creatures in my brain so they don’t have the energy to start smashing the place up. If I randomly message my friends in the middle of the night, it’s because I’m desperate to talk to someone who isn’t telling me to hurt myself.

And that’s just the stuff that happens when I don’t listen to my voices. When I do.. .Well, there’s a reason why I’m making this article anonymous.

Again, most of the stuff I end up doing isn’t that dramatic. I’ve cut myself with a razor a couple of times, and on one memorable occasion snatched up a fag butt someone had dropped outside the Union and absent-mindedly stubbed it out on my skin, but usually the bad stuff is more subtle. I avoid spending money, to the point of scrounging meals out of bins. I apologise, randomly, profusely and unnecessarily for more or less everything I do. I don’t sleep, shower, change my clothes, pay any attention to health or hygiene. I take random walks out to West Sands at 4 am and just stand there, fantasising about who would come to my funeral.

Am I proud of this behaviour? Of course not. I’m blanching a little as I write it. But sometimes my mind stops working and I do weird things. And I know that sounds like the weakest of weak excuses, but it’s the only way I can describe it.

There’s an upside to all of this, though. St Andrews is possibly the best place there is to be my particular brand of crazy. I’m not just talking about Student Services, though they are helpful. The voices find it easiest to get to me when my mind’s not occupied by anything else, and that’s not an easy situation to find yourself in in St Andrews. Sure, overwork-as-therapy probably isn’t healthy and I probably shouldn’t be doing it, but if it helps me shut up my uninvited guests then I’ll be forever grateful to this place for letting that happen.

And if it doesn’t? Well, I’m sure The Stand will provide excellent reportage on whatever hideous thing I end up doing.

Comments

comments

229 thoughts on “Mental Illness in St Andrews

  1. I like what you guys are up also. Such clever work and reporting! Carry on the superb works guys I have incorporated you guys to my blogroll. I think it will improve the value of my site 🙂

  2. Hi! This is kind of off topic but I need some advice from an established blog. Is it very difficult to set up your own blog? I’m not very techincal but I can figure things out pretty quick. I’m thinking about making my own but I’m not sure where to start. Do you have any tips or suggestions? Cheers

  3. hello there and thank you to your information ? I?ve definitely picked up something new from proper here. I did then again experience a few technical points the use of this site, since I skilled to reload the website many instances prior to I may just get it to load properly. I have been puzzling over if your web host is OK? Now not that I’m complaining, however sluggish loading instances occasions will sometimes have an effect on your placement in google and can damage your high-quality ranking if advertising and ***********|advertising|advertising|advertising and *********** with Adwords. Anyway I?m adding this RSS to my email and could glance out for a lot extra of your respective exciting content. Make sure you replace this once more soon..

  4. Good day! I know this is kinda off topic however I’d figured I’d ask. Would you be interested in trading links or maybe guest writing a blog article or vice-versa? My website covers a lot of the same subjects as yours and I believe we could greatly benefit from each other. If you are interested feel free to send me an e-mail. I look forward to hearing from you! Superb blog by the way!

  5. One other thing is that an online business administration training course is designed for students to be able to without problems proceed to bachelor degree courses. The 90 credit college degree meets the lower bachelor college degree requirements so when you earn your associate of arts in BA online, you should have access to the latest technologies in such a field. Several reasons why students are able to get their associate degree in business is because they are interested in this area and want to have the general education and learning necessary in advance of jumping in to a bachelor education program. Thanks alot : ) for the tips you actually provide within your blog.

  6. Pingback: his explanation
  7. Pingback: hk pistols
  8. This is the right blog for anyone who wants to find out about this topic. You realize so much its almost hard to argue with you (not that I actually would want…HaHa). You definitely put a new spin on a topic thats been written about for years. Great stuff, just great!

  9. Great post. I was checking continuously this blog and I’m impressed! Extremely useful info particularly the last part 🙂 I care for such information much. I was seeking this certain info for a very long time. Thank you and best of luck.

  10. I just like the helpful info you supply on your articles. I will bookmark your weblog and test once more here regularly. I’m moderately sure I will be informed a lot of new stuff right right here! Good luck for the following!

  11. F*ckin? awesome issues here. I am very happy to look your post. Thank you so much and i am having a look ahead to contact you. Will you kindly drop me a mail?

  12. Howdy! I could have sworn I’ve been to this website before but after browsing through some of the post I realized it’s new to me. Anyhow, I’m definitely delighted I found it and I’ll be bookmarking and checking back often!

  13. This design is spectacular! You most certainly know how to keep a reader amused. Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to start my own blog (well, almost…HaHa!) Fantastic job. I really loved what you had to say, and more than that, how you presented it. Too cool!

  14. Hi there! Would you mind if I share your blog with my myspace group? There’s a lot of folks that I think would really appreciate your content. Please let me know. Thank you

  15. you’re really a good webmaster. The web site loading speed is incredible. It seems that you’re doing any unique trick. Furthermore, The contents are masterwork. you have done a excellent job on this topic!

  16. I have noticed that fixing credit activity has to be conducted with techniques. If not, chances are you’ll find yourself damaging your standing. In order to realize your aspirations in fixing your credit ranking you have to take care that from this moment in time you pay your complete monthly expenses promptly in advance of their slated date. It’s really significant simply because by definitely not accomplishing that, all other activities that you will take to improve your credit rating will not be powerful. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

  17. When I originally commented I clicked the “Notify me when new comments are added” checkbox and now each time a comment is added I get three emails with the same comment. Is there any way you can remove me from that service? Bless you!

  18. Nice blog here! Additionally your site quite a bit up very fast! What web host are you using? Can I am getting your associate link for your host? I wish my site loaded up as quickly as yours lol

  19. When I originally commented I clicked the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and now each time a remark is added I get 4 emails with the identical comment. Is there any means you possibly can take away me from that service? Thanks!

  20. Just desire to say your article is as amazing. The clearness in your post is simply nice and i could assume you’re an expert on this subject. Fine with your permission allow me to grab your feed to keep up to date with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please carry on the rewarding work.

  21. Another important area is that if you are an older person, travel insurance intended for pensioners is something you should really consider. The more aged you are, the harder at risk you’re for getting something undesirable happen to you while abroad. If you are never covered by several comprehensive insurance coverage, you could have many serious challenges. Thanks for revealing your advice on this website.

  22. One thing I have actually noticed is that often there are plenty of common myths regarding the finance institutions intentions whenever talking about home foreclosure. One myth in particular would be the fact the bank wants your house. The financial institution wants your money, not the house. They want the cash they loaned you along with interest. Avoiding the bank will draw some sort of foreclosed conclusion. Thanks for your posting.

  23. I have realized that car insurance firms know the cars which are prone to accidents and also other risks. Additionally , they know what style of cars are inclined to higher risk as well as the higher risk they may have the higher a premium charge. Understanding the easy basics of car insurance will assist you to choose the right types of insurance policy which will take care of your requirements in case you become involved in any accident. Many thanks for sharing your ideas on your own blog.

  24. I have mastered some new issues from your site about computers. Another thing I’ve always assumed is that computer systems have become an item that each residence must have for some reasons. They supply you with convenient ways in which to organize homes, pay bills, go shopping, study, pay attention to music and in some cases watch television shows. An innovative technique to complete many of these tasks is by using a notebook. These personal computers are mobile, small, effective and easily transportable.

  25. You really make it seem so easy along with your presentation but I find this matter to be really one thing which I believe I would never understand. It sort of feels too complex and extremely extensive for me. I’m taking a look ahead to your subsequent submit, I?ll try to get the cling of it!

  26. It’s a shame you don’t have a donate button! I’d without a doubt donate to this excellent blog! I guess for now i’ll settle for bookmarking and adding your RSS feed to my Google account. I look forward to brand new updates and will talk about this site with my Facebook group. Talk soon!

  27. bookdecorfactory.com is a Global Trusted Online Fake Books Decor Store. We sell high quality budget price fake books decoration, Faux Books Decor. We offer FREE shipping across US, UK, AUS, NZ, Russia, Europe, Asia and deliver 100+ countries. Our delivery takes around 12 to 20 Days. We started our online business journey in Sydney, Australia and have been selling all sorts of home decor and art styles since 2008.

  28. Wow that was strange. I just wrote an very long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn’t appear. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again. Anyhow, just wanted to say superb blog!

  29. I do agree with all the ideas you’ve presented in your post. They’re very convincing and will definitely work. Still, the posts are very short for starters. Could you please extend them a bit from next time? Thanks for the post.

  30. Thanks for your tips about this blog. A single thing I wish to say is the fact purchasing consumer electronics items in the Internet is not new. In reality, in the past several years alone, the market for online consumer electronics has grown noticeably. Today, you will discover practically just about any electronic system and other gadgets on the Internet, including cameras in addition to camcorders to computer parts and games consoles.

  31. Wow that was odd. I just wrote an extremely long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn’t show up. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again. Anyhow, just wanted to say superb blog!

  32. Somebody essentially assist to make significantly articles I would state. That is the very first time I frequented your web page and so far? I surprised with the analysis you made to make this actual publish extraordinary. Fantastic activity!

  33. Hello, i think that i saw you visited my website thus i came to ?return the favor?.I’m attempting to find things to improve my website!I suppose its ok to use a few of your ideas!!

  34. Undeniably believe that which you stated. Your favorite justification seemed to be on the net the simplest thing to be aware of. I say to you, I definitely get irked while people consider worries that they plainly don’t know about. You managed to hit the nail upon the top as well as defined out the whole thing without having side-effects , people could take a signal. Will likely be back to get more. Thanks

  35. I do love the way you have presented this particular matter and it does indeed provide me a lot of fodder for thought. Nonetheless, because of everything that I have witnessed, I just simply trust when other comments pack on that folks stay on issue and don’t get started upon a tirade associated with some other news du jour. Still, thank you for this outstanding piece and even though I do not necessarily agree with it in totality, I value the viewpoint.

  36. I have noticed that online degree is getting common because getting your college degree online has become a popular solution for many people. A lot of people have certainly not had a possibility to attend a conventional college or university yet seek the improved earning potential and a better job that a Bachelor’s Degree provides. Still other folks might have a college degree in one discipline but would choose to pursue something they now develop an interest in.

  37. Thanks for the ideas you have provided here. Additionally, I believe there are several factors that keep your automobile insurance premium down. One is, to think about buying cars and trucks that are inside good list of car insurance firms. Cars that happen to be expensive are more at risk of being stolen. Aside from that insurance is also in line with the value of your car, so the costlier it is, then the higher the particular premium you only pay.

  38. http://www.spotnewstrend.com is a trusted latest USA News and global news provider. Spotnewstrend.com website provides latest insights to new trends and worldwide events. So keep visiting our website for USA News, World News, Financial News, Business News, Entertainment News, Celebrity News, Sport News, NBA News, NFL News, Health News, Nature News, Technology News, Travel News.

  39. With havin so much content do you ever run into any issues of plagorism or copyright violation? My site has a lot of unique content I’ve either written myself or outsourced but it looks like a lot of it is popping it up all over the web without my permission. Do you know any methods to help prevent content from being stolen? I’d definitely appreciate it.

  40. Thanks for the posting. My partner and i have usually seen that most people are wanting to lose weight because they wish to show up slim in addition to looking attractive. However, they do not often realize that there are many benefits for losing weight as well. Doctors state that obese people have problems with a variety of disorders that can be instantly attributed to their excess weight. The great thing is that people who sadly are overweight as well as suffering from several diseases can help to eliminate the severity of their own illnesses by simply losing weight. You possibly can see a continuous but identifiable improvement with health while even a slight amount of fat loss is reached.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

THE STAND