January Horoscopes: 2017 Cometh

Aries (March 21-April 19):

It’s a month for new romance. If you’re going on the St Andrews ski trip, except to party à deux at Les Deux Alpes. And if you’re hanging out an home, expect to see your neighbours in a very different light. Take the plunge and swipe right on that hottie from down the street, message the cute person in your tutorial, and share your Kik with someone on Yik Yak.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):

This bull is ready to grab life by the horns. You’re feeling motivated. Buy a planner, sign up for a few non-refundable classes at the Sports Centre, and start prepping notes for semester two’s lectures. If you can keep the fire burning, you may just snag that 2:1. When the full moon turns, your potential will have reached its highest. Don’t let it go to waste.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

Someone you’ve been stringing along is beginning to catch on. Maybe it’s the ???? emoji on Snapchat or the lack of a Wow! on their most recent profile picture. Either way, you need to step up or step back. You can only drunkenly shriek, “Let’s get coffee!” so many times before it gets awkward. January’s meteor shower is a shower of truth; let the light cleanse you.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

Nothing really happens for you this month.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):

This is going to be a strong month for you. After a stifling first semester, you needed time away to regroup. Now you’re feeling better than ever, and you’re fully prepared to show off your new style at FS next month. January 12th is a red letter day for you: In Venus’s divine light, you will look your best. Make sure you’re seen by those who matter.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):

Messy times are ahead, thanks to Mercury’s dominance in the West. Try to resist that fifth jäger bomb, or you may find yourself banned from your favourite local pub. By the end of the month, you’ll likely be a recognisable face to every bouncer in town. There is a force more powerful than you at work here, so you would best postpone your New Year’s resolutions until February.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):

A successful first semester has lulled you into a false sense of confidence. You got photographed in Tatler, went to the Welly Ball dinner, and received an invitation to DONT WALK. Life is sweet. But now, it’s time to pay up. Expect your finances to take a sharp dip over the next month, as Christmas dividends fail to pay off and Refreshers’ Week sends you its bill.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):

You are a friend to animals. The orange cat, fluffy dogs on the street, drunk locals at the Vic – there is something about you that attracts the rough and weary. A bearded stranger will approach you and make you an offer. Be cautious, but don’t be too cynical. There is still good in this world.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):

Watch your back in public. Someone is spreading rumours, and you need to follow that string back to its source. Trust no one. Things will come to a head on January 28th, when the New Moon appears in the sky.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):

You’re keeping the group chat alive over the holiday season. It may feel thankless at times, but you will be rewarded in the near future. You should reconnect with old friends and make amends with enemies. You may need allies soon.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):

Exam results are in, and you’ll be back for resits in August. Don’t feel bad; the social bridges you built in first semester have laid the groundwork for the rest of your University career. Just try to focus on schoolwork now, or else a General Degree will be in your future.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):

Someone is going to apologise to you. Their words are genuine, but their motives are foggy. Keep them close until you can determine their goal, then manipulate them to your advantage. Turnabout is fair play, after all. Bask in the glow of the meteor shower, and prepare for a mercurial few weeks.

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