I never thought I would be the kind of person who was uninterested in love. But I am. I am so deeply averse to ever loving in the way I did. Loving someone with everything you have to offer and then watching that person choose to stop loving you is terrible and the kind of painful that makes your entire body hurt. It striped away my desire and ability to trust that people close to me wouldn’t leave me. Heartbreak and then acceptance seeped into every conception I had about loving. I accepted that love is untrustworthy, it’s fickle and it lies. Everyone who believes differently, everyone who thinks their relationship is not like that is lying to themselves. Anyone who thinks their love will save them from conflict is wrong. Love doesn’t save relationships. Dedication, kindness, determination, faithfulness, selflessness, and patience save relationships. When put into action love is a beautiful and powerful thing, but the conception of love is empty and the stuff of fairytales.
But no one ever said love was going to be easy. Maybe Disney films tricked us into thinking there was no work to be done after happily ever after, but the real love stories are ones full of conflict and effort. Love itself cannot be trusted, it’s people you have to be able to trust. I trusted in my love, not in my partner. I thought that if I loved deeply enough everything would be okay, but it wasn’t. I believed in our love and that was my biggest mistake. He wasn’t a bad person, he just didn’t love the way I did.
So, when the dust settles and it’s time to forget the last person and begin your life without them, how do you open your heart again? How do you trust that the next person won’t be just as bad or worse? It’s terrible to imagine going through that kind of pain again, and it’s even more terrifying to think about ever trusting someone that much again.
My partner never let me forget that I fell in love with him too quickly, and now I’m glad because I will never let myself love like that again. Loving without skepticism is dangerous. It’s fun to be in love, but it’s rare to find people who are willing to work hard for you. Love just isn’t worth fighting for to a lot of people, and I want someone who will fight for me. I never want to love like that again. I never want to trust someone for no reason except loving them. Next time that person will have to deserve my love. I won’t let myself fall in love with the idea of love again.